I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
