I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
