Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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