i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
