I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
