i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
