I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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