I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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