The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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