my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
