3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
