he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
