I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
