Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
