i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
