Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
