It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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