masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
