Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
last night I used snow as a chaser
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
