Michael Bay diarrhea
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Someone came in the potted fern
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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