I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
