literally had 100 drinks last night.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
