some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
