I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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