I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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