Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
