I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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