you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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