are you still at the devil's house?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
