Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Randomize
