What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
