my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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