If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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