Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
