i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
