Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
