I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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