just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
