sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
