its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
