Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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