he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
