Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
