i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
