if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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