We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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