my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I would ride that face into the sunset
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
