I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
not ubering you a puppy
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
