This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
