My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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