Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
